Monday, November 30, 2015

Hmmm...

Well, things had been going pretty well, but I had a one-night binge last night. Sundays have been notoriously challenging for me; always having work that needs doing and having tons of free time. I drank alone, which is something I told myself I would not do under my new rules. Not sure what happened.

I woke up feeling absolutely terrible. I don't even understand how I was drinking like that every day before. The world felt so much smaller, and once again I felt helpless and trapped. I am glad that I did that, though, because it showed me what I value in life. I am in a great relationship with a person I love, and I have money and a job and good grades and family. I refuse to throw it all away for that feeling. Being incredibly hungover is one of the worst feelings imaginable because there is no escape from it. It horrified me, and I will never go back to that place in my life.

If anything like that happens again I am going to quit drinking again for good. I am definitely not drinking alone, and I will find things to occupy my time on Sundays. I worked all day and felt terrible all day. I still feel pretty crappy almost 24 hours later. It's so bizarre because my drinking felt more like a compulsion than any real desire. I am starting to think that alcohol problems are the result of OCD or something similar. I still don't buy the disease model because that term is so vague.

Anyways, figured I should be honest about my experiences so far. Last night's experience scared me, and I will use it to propel me forward.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Can't Complain

Hey world (or the two or three people who stumble upon my now awkwardly-named blog),

Things have been going well for the most part. For the past few weeks I have been drinking on the weekends. I have still only been "drunk" once since returning to drinking, but I have noticed some strange behaviors. It seems fairly obvious that my relationship with alcohol is unusual; while drinking I notice strange things like the fact that I think about how many drinks I should have, or could have, or where to go next, or whether or not what I'm doing is OK. I am still attempting to train myself to get over these doomsday ideas about alcohol and drinking, but it is challenging. I haven't drank since Saturday (it's Tuesday), and I told my significant other that I want to avoid alcohol for the next couple weeks while I finish up school. We'll see how that works out.

I have noticed some mildly alarming signs, but I do also see room for hope. While I occasionally desire alcohol, it is not difficult to resist the urge to drink. I can even stop drinking once I've started as long as I am sort of socially pressured to do so. I can also stop on my own, but the desire is stronger because I think I can "get away with it" or something. I am trying not to drink alone at all. I have also noticed that I don't like to have alcohol at home because it just makes me feel weird. I am not ruling that out forever, but at this stage in my recovery from recovery I am not ready for it.

The Holidays are coming up soon, so that will be an exciting new challenge. I am extremely stressed due to work, school, and the looming cloud of graduate school applications haunting my dreams like a fanged clown with a sledgehammer (sorry, weird stuff). I feel free. But I also feel fear. I am afraid to alter my life in any significant way because I'm afraid that I will descend into uncontrollable drinking. I am afraid to stay stagnant and create a "family" and "roots" in this weird town where I've existed for a few years. I am afraid of failure, and that fear almost drives me to give up, which would be a failure. Strange irony there. Well random stranger from the internet, keep tuning in if you want!

For anyone who is struggling with alcohol -- fear not! The mind is incredibly powerful. It just needs time to heal, and more important than time, it needs reasons to heal. We have the power!

Happy Thanksgiving.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Update #3

I really should update this more often. It's as if I'm afraid to discuss my drinking, afraid to jinx my success or reveal my failure or mention anything at all. I would say I've been successful to this point, but I have noticed a couple troubling patterns. I notice that I now really look forward to having some drinks on the weekend, and I try to persuade my partner to end up places where alcohol will be present. I have still only been really drunk once, and I have stayed at about 2-3 drinks per night on the weekends. I drank alone (2 beers) for the first time last night, and I didn't like that at all. For some reason my thinking was different when I drank without anyone to hold me accountable for my actions. It felt way too familiar, and a little unsettling. So things have not been bad at all, but I have noticed some things that are causes for mild concern. Or perhaps I'm only concerned because I have been so deeply programmed to be concerned. Perhaps if I could just unlearn everything I was taught about alcohol and my relationship with it, everything would be different. Unfortunately we will never be able to know that.

Anyways, life is going pretty well. I don't drink on the weeknights, and have only been drinking roughly two nights per week. It has been one month since I started drinking again. My job is going well, and I'm looking forward to the upcoming holidays and my graduation from college. I have noticed that my thinking has been different recently, though. I am paranoid and concerned that my life will fall apart, and I don't want anyone I care about to be near me if it happens. This part is surely the conditioning, the repetition and the ruthless commandments that all will be lost if I ever return to drinking anything. Ever. But I must work hard at re-wiring my brain and making sure I believe I have agency in my life. I want it more than anything in the world, and I will work tirelessly to achieve that goal.

Ultimately, I need to continue to be honest about my drinking and decide for myself if it is worth the perceived risks. I just hope that if it does start to get problematic that I can prevent it. I do not condone the 100% anti-science approach. Alcohol problems obviously exist, and it is obviously not entirely behavioral. But I do believe the severity of alcohol problems often increase as a result of exposure to confrontational 'treatment' models. Which is what definitely happened to me. So I am working to reset my brain and to overcome the traumatic conditioning I have received over the years. It is no easy task. I just view alcohol differently now, I treat it like some living thing that can consume me and turn me into a zombie. I will succeed in being happy and choosing my own path.

I choose my own path.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Update #2

It's difficult to find time to write. Let's see...last Friday night I had two drinks. Then the next day, Halloween, I got wasted for the first time since drinking again. I was with my significant other, and we went out to a bar where the bartender served extremely stiff drinks. I was dressed up as a slutty Robin, and though I had about 4 drinks, each of them was probably a double, so I would guess it totaled somewhere between 8-10 drinks for the night. The next morning I felt terrible--the familiar fog and thumping mental pain and achy body--and I didn't feel better all day. Alcohol is really a pretty weird drug. And yes I know it would seem that I am headed down a bad path. But it was a holiday, and I never know how much of my psyche has been irreparably altered by repeated doomsday talk. All I know is I haven't drank since then and I haven't wanted to. Well, maybe I've wanted to a little, but nothing major. The point is that, for now at least, choice still remains.

My mind is a frightening place. I often think about dropping everything and just driving for hours and hours until I end up in some unknown place, left to figure my life out anew. I will occasionally Google different cities all over the world and contemplate what it would be like to live there, alone, and to build my life there. Or perhaps it would be where my life would crumble into whatever weird pieces survived. I have been told so many times that what I'm doing--drinking again--is going to kill me, that it is almost impossible to avoid these apocalyptic, hyperbolic ideas. I am starting to become convinced that the conditioning we subject addicts and alcoholics to plays the biggest factor in their fucked up lives. From an early age we (society, treatment, doctors, 12-step) tell people they have "crossed a line" and they are now permanently fucked, as if we actually know that for a fact. I'd say about 95% of the time no brain scans are done, no actual science takes place. All of these diagnoses are the result of mere observation and opinion. I have seen, and experienced, the destructive, world-wrecking power of the self-fulfilling prophecy. And now that I have the choice to drink or not, I'm considering quitting on my own simply because I like living life with the guarantee that I won't end up in a really bad place due to alcohol or drugs.

I don't have time to write much more tonight. In other life, my lease expires soon and I will have to make the decision whether to move in with my partner or not. Ugh. I still have an instinctual response to run, I think because I am convinced that I am fucked forever and I am a time-bomb and no one should be close to me. Thanks 'doctors' for all of your help.

P.S. - How do doctors explain food addicts recovering? A person who is 'addicted' to food, or sex, or shopping, MUST learn to moderate because those are aspects of life. If you are a doctor--and when I say doctor I do NOT mean any person who has been corrupted by 12-step theology--then please reply with an explanation for food addicts and recovery. Thanks.

Goodnight! I'll keep you posted, and fingers crossed that my life doesn't fall apart ;-)