Hey world (or the two or three people who stumble upon my now awkwardly-named blog),
Things have been going well for the most part. For the past few weeks I have been drinking on the weekends. I have still only been "drunk" once since returning to drinking, but I have noticed some strange behaviors. It seems fairly obvious that my relationship with alcohol is unusual; while drinking I notice strange things like the fact that I think about how many drinks I should have, or could have, or where to go next, or whether or not what I'm doing is OK. I am still attempting to train myself to get over these doomsday ideas about alcohol and drinking, but it is challenging. I haven't drank since Saturday (it's Tuesday), and I told my significant other that I want to avoid alcohol for the next couple weeks while I finish up school. We'll see how that works out.
I have noticed some mildly alarming signs, but I do also see room for hope. While I occasionally desire alcohol, it is not difficult to resist the urge to drink. I can even stop drinking once I've started as long as I am sort of socially pressured to do so. I can also stop on my own, but the desire is stronger because I think I can "get away with it" or something. I am trying not to drink alone at all. I have also noticed that I don't like to have alcohol at home because it just makes me feel weird. I am not ruling that out forever, but at this stage in my recovery from recovery I am not ready for it.
The Holidays are coming up soon, so that will be an exciting new challenge. I am extremely stressed due to work, school, and the looming cloud of graduate school applications haunting my dreams like a fanged clown with a sledgehammer (sorry, weird stuff). I feel free. But I also feel fear. I am afraid to alter my life in any significant way because I'm afraid that I will descend into uncontrollable drinking. I am afraid to stay stagnant and create a "family" and "roots" in this weird town where I've existed for a few years. I am afraid of failure, and that fear almost drives me to give up, which would be a failure. Strange irony there. Well random stranger from the internet, keep tuning in if you want!
For anyone who is struggling with alcohol -- fear not! The mind is incredibly powerful. It just needs time to heal, and more important than time, it needs reasons to heal. We have the power!