Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Can't Complain

Hey world (or the two or three people who stumble upon my now awkwardly-named blog),

Things have been going well for the most part. For the past few weeks I have been drinking on the weekends. I have still only been "drunk" once since returning to drinking, but I have noticed some strange behaviors. It seems fairly obvious that my relationship with alcohol is unusual; while drinking I notice strange things like the fact that I think about how many drinks I should have, or could have, or where to go next, or whether or not what I'm doing is OK. I am still attempting to train myself to get over these doomsday ideas about alcohol and drinking, but it is challenging. I haven't drank since Saturday (it's Tuesday), and I told my significant other that I want to avoid alcohol for the next couple weeks while I finish up school. We'll see how that works out.

I have noticed some mildly alarming signs, but I do also see room for hope. While I occasionally desire alcohol, it is not difficult to resist the urge to drink. I can even stop drinking once I've started as long as I am sort of socially pressured to do so. I can also stop on my own, but the desire is stronger because I think I can "get away with it" or something. I am trying not to drink alone at all. I have also noticed that I don't like to have alcohol at home because it just makes me feel weird. I am not ruling that out forever, but at this stage in my recovery from recovery I am not ready for it.

The Holidays are coming up soon, so that will be an exciting new challenge. I am extremely stressed due to work, school, and the looming cloud of graduate school applications haunting my dreams like a fanged clown with a sledgehammer (sorry, weird stuff). I feel free. But I also feel fear. I am afraid to alter my life in any significant way because I'm afraid that I will descend into uncontrollable drinking. I am afraid to stay stagnant and create a "family" and "roots" in this weird town where I've existed for a few years. I am afraid of failure, and that fear almost drives me to give up, which would be a failure. Strange irony there. Well random stranger from the internet, keep tuning in if you want!

For anyone who is struggling with alcohol -- fear not! The mind is incredibly powerful. It just needs time to heal, and more important than time, it needs reasons to heal. We have the power!

Happy Thanksgiving.


  1. Hi. I am following your blog. Thanks for taking the time and trouble. I am titrating up on baclofen myself and am currently at 140 mg - no 'indifference' yet. Hoping for it soon!

    I am curious about your situation. You do seem to be struggling somewhat with alcohol - you don't appear to be 'indifferent' yourself at this point. Perhaps I am wrong and I am reading between the lines rather incorrectly. Any thoughts?

    By the way, I don't know if you are aware of the forum at the following link, but there is a lot of discussion about baclofen there. You might find it interesting.


    1. Hi "Discarded",

      Thanks for following my blog! I am glad to hear you have found baclofen and that you are hopeful it will create a sense of indifference for you. I too reached 140mg before I decided that I was playing a strange game, and that I may be taking my frenzied search for a solution too far. At 140mg I remember having very little desire to drink, and it seemed to be working. But I was having some side effects (you can find them in earlier posts) and I was afraid I would develop too strong a physical dependence on baclofen, so I decided to stop.

      About my situation: I am not 'indifferent' because I stopped the pursuit of 'indifference' via baclofen. Too few people have actually experienced this coveted state of 'indifference' and the risks seemed to outweigh the reward in my mind. I am drinking again, which I will post about again shortly, but that was my own choice. I would not say I'm struggling with alcohol at this point, but I am beginning to experience some psychological "cravings" when I don't drink. I was never indifferent; I personally don't understand what that means. My desire to drink was very low, but I eventually convinced myself that alcohol problems are more behavioral than biological. Time will tell.

      And yes I am very familiar with MWO. It is actually how I began my baclofen journey.

      Please do keep me updated on your progress. I am always interested to hear of another person's experience with alcohol problems and his or her attempt to overcome them.

      All the best,