Hey world (or the two or three people who stumble upon my now awkwardly-named blog),
Things have been going well for the most part. For the past few weeks I have been drinking on the weekends. I have still only been "drunk" once since returning to drinking, but I have noticed some strange behaviors. It seems fairly obvious that my relationship with alcohol is unusual; while drinking I notice strange things like the fact that I think about how many drinks I should have, or could have, or where to go next, or whether or not what I'm doing is OK. I am still attempting to train myself to get over these doomsday ideas about alcohol and drinking, but it is challenging. I haven't drank since Saturday (it's Tuesday), and I told my significant other that I want to avoid alcohol for the next couple weeks while I finish up school. We'll see how that works out.
I have noticed some mildly alarming signs, but I do also see room for hope. While I occasionally desire alcohol, it is not difficult to resist the urge to drink. I can even stop drinking once I've started as long as I am sort of socially pressured to do so. I can also stop on my own, but the desire is stronger because I think I can "get away with it" or something. I am trying not to drink alone at all. I have also noticed that I don't like to have alcohol at home because it just makes me feel weird. I am not ruling that out forever, but at this stage in my recovery from recovery I am not ready for it.
The Holidays are coming up soon, so that will be an exciting new challenge. I am extremely stressed due to work, school, and the looming cloud of graduate school applications haunting my dreams like a fanged clown with a sledgehammer (sorry, weird stuff). I feel free. But I also feel fear. I am afraid to alter my life in any significant way because I'm afraid that I will descend into uncontrollable drinking. I am afraid to stay stagnant and create a "family" and "roots" in this weird town where I've existed for a few years. I am afraid of failure, and that fear almost drives me to give up, which would be a failure. Strange irony there. Well random stranger from the internet, keep tuning in if you want!
For anyone who is struggling with alcohol -- fear not! The mind is incredibly powerful. It just needs time to heal, and more important than time, it needs reasons to heal. We have the power!
Happy Thanksgiving.
Hi. I am following your blog. Thanks for taking the time and trouble. I am titrating up on baclofen myself and am currently at 140 mg - no 'indifference' yet. Hoping for it soon!
ReplyDeleteI am curious about your situation. You do seem to be struggling somewhat with alcohol - you don't appear to be 'indifferent' yourself at this point. Perhaps I am wrong and I am reading between the lines rather incorrectly. Any thoughts?
By the way, I don't know if you are aware of the forum at the following link, but there is a lot of discussion about baclofen there. You might find it interesting.
http://www.mywayout.org/community/
Hi "Discarded",
DeleteThanks for following my blog! I am glad to hear you have found baclofen and that you are hopeful it will create a sense of indifference for you. I too reached 140mg before I decided that I was playing a strange game, and that I may be taking my frenzied search for a solution too far. At 140mg I remember having very little desire to drink, and it seemed to be working. But I was having some side effects (you can find them in earlier posts) and I was afraid I would develop too strong a physical dependence on baclofen, so I decided to stop.
About my situation: I am not 'indifferent' because I stopped the pursuit of 'indifference' via baclofen. Too few people have actually experienced this coveted state of 'indifference' and the risks seemed to outweigh the reward in my mind. I am drinking again, which I will post about again shortly, but that was my own choice. I would not say I'm struggling with alcohol at this point, but I am beginning to experience some psychological "cravings" when I don't drink. I was never indifferent; I personally don't understand what that means. My desire to drink was very low, but I eventually convinced myself that alcohol problems are more behavioral than biological. Time will tell.
And yes I am very familiar with MWO. It is actually how I began my baclofen journey.
Please do keep me updated on your progress. I am always interested to hear of another person's experience with alcohol problems and his or her attempt to overcome them.
All the best,
Jon