Monday, November 16, 2015

Update #3

I really should update this more often. It's as if I'm afraid to discuss my drinking, afraid to jinx my success or reveal my failure or mention anything at all. I would say I've been successful to this point, but I have noticed a couple troubling patterns. I notice that I now really look forward to having some drinks on the weekend, and I try to persuade my partner to end up places where alcohol will be present. I have still only been really drunk once, and I have stayed at about 2-3 drinks per night on the weekends. I drank alone (2 beers) for the first time last night, and I didn't like that at all. For some reason my thinking was different when I drank without anyone to hold me accountable for my actions. It felt way too familiar, and a little unsettling. So things have not been bad at all, but I have noticed some things that are causes for mild concern. Or perhaps I'm only concerned because I have been so deeply programmed to be concerned. Perhaps if I could just unlearn everything I was taught about alcohol and my relationship with it, everything would be different. Unfortunately we will never be able to know that.

Anyways, life is going pretty well. I don't drink on the weeknights, and have only been drinking roughly two nights per week. It has been one month since I started drinking again. My job is going well, and I'm looking forward to the upcoming holidays and my graduation from college. I have noticed that my thinking has been different recently, though. I am paranoid and concerned that my life will fall apart, and I don't want anyone I care about to be near me if it happens. This part is surely the conditioning, the repetition and the ruthless commandments that all will be lost if I ever return to drinking anything. Ever. But I must work hard at re-wiring my brain and making sure I believe I have agency in my life. I want it more than anything in the world, and I will work tirelessly to achieve that goal.

Ultimately, I need to continue to be honest about my drinking and decide for myself if it is worth the perceived risks. I just hope that if it does start to get problematic that I can prevent it. I do not condone the 100% anti-science approach. Alcohol problems obviously exist, and it is obviously not entirely behavioral. But I do believe the severity of alcohol problems often increase as a result of exposure to confrontational 'treatment' models. Which is what definitely happened to me. So I am working to reset my brain and to overcome the traumatic conditioning I have received over the years. It is no easy task. I just view alcohol differently now, I treat it like some living thing that can consume me and turn me into a zombie. I will succeed in being happy and choosing my own path.

I choose my own path.

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